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That's right. You guessed it. We started seeing each other again. Push come to shove, we simply couldn't keep away from one other. There was some sort of magnetism between us too strong to ignore.
Meanwhile, Amy had had her fill of my uncertainty. And rightly so. I don't blame her one bit. If I had been her, I would have done the exact same thing. So she took a job in sales at the J.W. Marriott in Houston, convinced that putting distance between us would reveal God's will for our relationship.
She moved in April, 2004. While we continued to talk and e-mail through July of that year, I think we both knew that I wasn't prepared to marry her. Bottom line: She didn't have every quality that I wanted on my dumb "list." Whether it was my stupidity or my unrealistic expectations, I let the best thing that has ever happened to me slip through my fingers once again.
We decided that, painful as it might be, unless I was willing to propose, that it was time to "move on with our lives" and date other people. After all, neither one of us was getting any younger. We both had a strong desire to tie the knot and have a family. Amy wanted to tie the knot with me. And I just wasn't sure whether I could find "Mrs. List."
We moved on -- or so we thought
Around that time, Amy wrote: "Adam, It is hard to think about our previous relationship. I started dating someone about two weeks ago; although I know he's not my husband to be -- so, need to end it.
"You know, it's almost been a year since our break-up. You would think that we could move on. My heart still hurts to think about us, which is why I can't listen to your show on-line. It's too painful to hear you.
"I have my good days and bad days. I feel like I've submerged every emotion deep down inside and occasionally they come flooding over me like some sort of ridiculous tidal wave. But those days seem few and further between.
"I suppose time will heal my occasionally-painful memory of us. Who knows though? My strategy is just to not think about us. - Amy"
From June, 2005 through that fall, I dated a lot of women. Some were blind dates. Others were people I had met on my own and asked out. I even got on E-harmony and considered some women with whom I had been matched on-line. That resulted in some serious conversations and the possibility of meeting in person. But that never materialized.
Truth be known, I was looking for Amy. Someone with her delicious sense of humor, someone who got me, someone with whom I could talk for hours on end about anything and everything.
The more I searched, the more I dated, the more I became convinced that it was time to soak my "list" in gasoline and set it on fire once and for all. I know what you're thinkin': "Amen brother, it's about time you saw the light!"
During that time, Amy sent me an e-mail, indicating that she thought of me often.
In reply, I wrote, "Amy, You think of me often as well? Is that when you get out the voodoo doll replica of me and stick it with pins as you cackle loudly? Or is it in a more fond way? - Adam"
Amy wrote, "If I did practice voodoo, perhaps your name might surface occasionally; however, I don't -- lucky for you. Of course I think of you often. And NO, it's not when I'm stabbing some voodoo doll.
"I know I sent some brutal e-mails; however, that doesn't mean I don't think of you in a pleasant way.
"I still respect you, think you're both hilarious and full of personality, and miss you tremendously!
"But, hey, I wouldn't change anything. Our relationship was worth the break-up/not talking stage. I think we'll eventually be able to talk some day, and re-kindle our friendship. - Amy"
I doubted we could ever re-kindle a friendship and a friendship only in light of our dating history. I shared with Amy that the verse that I had clung to when I thought about our previous relationship as well as my single status was from I Peter 5:7: "Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you."
I revealed that "I'm anxious about not being married and not having kids yet."
Amy, in a comforting and thoughtful e-mail, wrote, "Adam, you're the one who said that you and I aren't meant to be alone after I said, 'Maybe I'm not meant to be married. Maybe God has another plan for me.' You quickly replied, 'Amy, you and I aren't meant to be alone. We enjoy the company of others too much.'
"So, according to you, we will eventually be married. Although, I'm no longer concerned with how many children I'll have. It just adds too much pressure to the not-married dilemma. I don't really see it as a dilemma though. I'm fine with not being married yet. I know you're thinking, 'Yeah, you're also 10 years younger than me Amy.' So, I'll shut-up.
"If you really feel that your desire is from God to have a big family, then He can do anything, whether that be through adoption, or marrying someone younger; it can happen.
"I love the scripture, 'Though the mountains be shaken, and the hills be removed, yet, my unfailing love for you will not be shaken, nor my covenant of peace be removed,' says the Lord, who has compassion on you.'
"He's saying that even though EVERYTHING can fall apart around us, his UNFAILING love for us will never be shaken! And, to hear that he has compassion on us, Wow, what a nice thing to read when I'm feeling down about something. He has compassion on me!! And YOU!!
"I wish I were there to comfort you. I don't like knowing that you're anxious about anything because I care for you. ~ Amy"
Now that's an amazing e-mail! Here she is comforting me that one day I will get married, even though, at the time, neither of us could have imagined that it would have been to her.
Her e-mails became increasingly vulnerable.
"Adam, you know me so well, and you see beyond me, to qualities that, deep down inside, I really want or aspire to have. Sometimes I feel like you know me better than I know myself. Or like you know what I desire and want more than I know myself. It's weird Peeps. And, you often help me understand what is it I'm really wanting or desiring and why.
"I feel like I have so much to offer the world when you're with me. I don't feel like that outside of you. Is that bad to say? Like I'm some sort of obsessive clingy girl who can't stand on her own?
"I desire to be married Adam, and have that life long friend. I desire for my husband to know me, to know every deep dark place of my heart, and to still love and accept me, to encourage me, to lead me, to know me -- yeah, that's it. To know me and get me. And after knowing every crevice of me, to still hold me when the day is over with complete acceptance. That's what I want. ~ Amy"
I found myself progressively drawn to the depth of her candor.
On June 16th, 2005, Amy wrote: "Just checked my Hotmail and read your e-card. Of course, I like how you snuck in the, "Can I kiss the computer screen right now?" line. NICE! You can kiss the computer screen if you want, but I'm sure you'd enjoy my lips more. ;-) ~ Amy"
A couple of months later, she seemed to warm up to me even more.
On August 5th, 2005, she wrote: "I'm DYING over here Adam! I have this sudden huge aching desire in my stomach, almost overwhelming, for you! To be held by you, comforted by you, encouraged by you, ALL OF IT! Hate it. Like right now. Can't stand it."
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